Amy Goeckel Talks About Her Battle with Bulimia and Her Road to Eating Disorder Recovery

Welcome back to the Bite by Bite Podcast.

Warning signs of an eating disorder are unfortunately often subtle. For many, they are only to be identified as one looks back and reflects.

In this episode, Kait sits down with Amy Goeckel - host of the Eating Disorder Diaries Podcast - for an unfiltered conversation about Amy’s lived experience with an eating disorder and her current place in recovery. Amy opens up about the early warning signs she missed, the tight grip the eating disorder had on her life, and how her healing process has evolved over time.

Episode Topics

• Amy shares her 16 year long lived experiences with Bulimia (2:05)
• How comments from Amy’s childhood fueled her eating disorder (6:20)
• How Amy’s thoughts continued to snowball (10:45)
• Amy describes the transition from thriving in secrecy to breaking the silence (18:55)
• Amy discusses the difference between rock bottom and recovery (25:43)
• The importance of inner child work in eating disorder recovery (32:58)
• Amy’s message of recovery being possible for everyone (39:55)

Content Warning: This episode contains brief mentions of eating disorder behaviors that Kait has previously engaged in. Please listen in a way that feels safe for you and your recovery.

Episode guest:  Amy is the host of The Eating Disorder Diaries, a podcast that chronicles her 15+ year battle with bulimia, her experience with eating disorder recovery, and features interviews from those who have been a part of her personal journey, have had their own experience with an eating disorder, or are industry experts ranging from doctors, therapists, to nutritionists. By hearing the stories of those in recovery and learning what's allowed them to heal, Amy's goal is to help others kick start or further continue their own healing process and to lead a fulfilling life knowing we are all not alone and full recovery is possible.

Related Episodes 

Goal #8: From Punishment to Pleasure: Healing Your Relationship with Movement with Kait Moresi

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@bitebybiterecovery

bitebybiterecovery@gmail.com 

Connect with Amy

@theeatingdisorderdiaries

The Eating Disorder Diaries Podcast

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Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 0:34

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Bite by Bite, the podcast that takes you step-by-step through the messy, beautiful, and real journey of my struggle with an eating disorder and my recovery. I'm Kate, and I'm here to share my experiences, lessons, and the wisdom that I've gathered along the way. Here, I share it all, the raw, the real, and the uncensored, so those who can relate know they're not alone in the tough moments. And for those of you who haven't battled an eating disorder, your attention is just as important in helping to educate and break the societal stigma. Before we dive in, please remember that while I hope my story and reflections can be helpful, this podcast is not a substitute for professional treatment. If you are struggling or need extra support, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional. In today's episode, you will hear from Amy Goick, who is the host of the Eating Disorder Diaries podcast. Throughout this episode, Amy shares her battle with an eating disorder, her journey to recovery, and what life is like for her now. Before I formally introduce Amy, I want to give a quick content warning. This episode does include brief mentions of eating disorder behaviors Amy has previously engaged in. She doesn't go into specific details, but please listen only if and when it feels right for you. And one more thing, this podcast is explicit, because if I'm going to do something, there's no way in hell I'm going to leave my personality out of it. So let's dive event. Hi, Amy. It's so nice to have you here in Bite by Bite. Thank you for coming.

SPEAKER_02: 2:14

Thanks, Kate. I'm such a fan of Bite by Bite.

SPEAKER_00: 2:17

Thank you. Yeah, kind of silly, but I went with it, stuck with it. So I know a little bit about you in terms of like your history and things like that. So do you want us to start by telling listeners kind of about yourself, your story, and really why you're here, I guess?

SPEAKER_02: 2:35

Yeah, let's do it. Okay, let's make this a long story short. I typically say that I struggled with bulimia for 16 years. My bulimia behaviors started when I was a teenager, when I was about 13 years old, and they continued in some form one way or another up until my late 20s, right? So if we do the math, I'm saying I was about 29 and I'm 32 now. I would say in those 16 years, there were periods where the eating disorder completely took over my life. So I would have behaviors and episodes maybe multiple times a day every single day and this would go on for a period and then there were other points in that 16 year period where it would really ebb and flow or it would quiet down only to resurface later on to my like complete horror and my frustration because I thought I had kicked this thing to the curb and I was just really frustrated at that point at when it would come back at not being able to control it and for so long I used my eating disorder behaviors as my main tool And as I got older into my later 20s is when I finally started doing the real work. You know, I think before when I was a teenager, maybe in my early 20s, I did some work. I knew it was an issue to have an eating disorder, but I didn't take it as seriously. And when I got a little bit older, I began to think about it. the root cause of my eating disorder, which was the shame and the truth of my childhood abuse that I endured. Because I think I was finally at a point in my life where I was ready. I was at a point to be like, okay, I still have these relapses, like I'm saying, like I would get disturbed from the relapses. But I started to finally say, I need to do the real inner work. I need to face my shadow self. So we hear, right? So what that looks like for me is I started to get really honest. I moved from my childhood home. I also let go of a romantic relationship that wasn't serving me. I started using different tools than my eating disorder to actually cope with the shame and maybe just deal with the trauma that I had. That includes journaling, meditating, going to support groups. And these were things I'd never done before that started making me feel really good. And when I started feeling so much better and like a new person, And I wanted to shout it from the rooftops like, oh my God, I can actually heal. And I wanted others to know what I had learned because it took me a long time to learn what I learned to finally get to a place where I considered myself my own friend and I considered myself like, I can actually do this recovery thing, right? So again, long story short, I wound up launching my podcast, The Eating Disorder Diaries back in 2023. And I think you and I are similar in this way that We want to share our stories of how we are recovering from an eating disorder, what we've learned to let people know they're not alone. And, you know, I think the podcast has also been a tool that I've used in my tool belt to help me recover. And, you know, I think ultimately I just I felt really alone in my eating disorder and I don't want people to feel alone. And the podcast has just allowed me to connect with so many people like you. And I know that you and I don't have exactly the same story, but I think we just relate to each other. And that's what I feel inside. support groups too is that you can learn different things from people who are kind of going through something similar to you and I think I think that's just really special and why I continue to speak up about it

SPEAKER_00: 6:20

yeah I love that I also agree I started I never went to support groups in my 10 year journey I guess until the past two years and they I mean it did find me a while to like find the right fit and whatnot but when I did I was shocked at like just how helpful and like insightful and almost normal it seemed to just and comforting too to just hear okay like I don't even know these people but everything they're saying is like exactly what I'm thinking of you like and they don't have to have like you just mentioned that our stories yours and I's are very different but when it comes down when you strip everything away like the behaviors and the extra stuff it really is so relatable when it is something that you experienced

SPEAKER_02: 7:09

yeah I think that's the special thing about having a podcast like this. I'm so glad you're doing this. And anyone who hasn't gone to a support group before, I definitely encourage it because like you're saying, it really is just so impactful.

SPEAKER_00: 7:21

Yeah. So you said it was 16 years that you struggled with this. So as you're looking back now, what or when, I should say, did you start first noticing your struggles and realizing, oh, something's going on? Because I know for me, I didn't even realize some of it until I was looking back. So what's the point when you're like, what's going on?

SPEAKER_02: 7:46

Okay, definitely. I think there's several moments in my life, but I want to start by saying, like, I think it's funny how little comments can be made in your life, especially when you're a kid that you just cling on to. And I vividly remember, I grew up taller than everyone else. I skipped a grade, but I was still taller than all of the girls in my grade. And what that means is that I'm wearing bigger clothing, like maybe a size bigger than all the rest of the girls, and I weigh more than the rest of the girls. Maybe that wouldn't have meant much I mean I think society puts this idea in your head from a young age that you should be be smaller and smaller better but I vividly remember one time I was bouncing on a trampoline with one of my girlfriends and she was a lot smaller than me and she was going higher than me and her dad just made a comment that oh the person who weighs less will bounce higher and to me that's like okay so if you weigh less you get like rewards there it's just funny It's funny how that kind of stuff sticks with you. And it was I know that man would never remember that comment. Right. But you did. And right. And I internalized it. And here I am. Decades later.

SPEAKER_00: 8:59

It's not even a malicious comment. I'm sure he probably literally just meant, oh, Amy's a tall person.

SPEAKER_02: 9:04

Right. Exactly. But, you know, you never know, like how people are going to. But I think also, you know, then moving on into middle school is when I got wind of. girls in my grade engaging in bulimic behaviors or binge and purge behaviors like it was a cool thing and that's really when when I decided you know maybe that's something that I should try and truly it was from there that it it was that summer like after eighth grade that I started engaging just because some girls in my grade I got wind of them doing it too and it really I got hooked from there

SPEAKER_00: 9:41

so can you explain because I know that I probably understand it just from experience but like when you say you tried it and you got hooked what was that like like Can you

SPEAKER_02: 9:57

just describe that feeling? you know the purge that the number on the scale will immediately go down I mean that also makes sense and I think that became very addictive to me so I became addicted to just seeing the number on the scale go down and what's funny is that you know over time bulimics tend to have a pretty stable weight like you don't really see too much of a swing so after after that initial addiction I think it really just slowly developed into this form of control and it was how you I was 13 I had been abused I don't even think I would ever acknowledge to myself that I had been abused at that point but that was I think initially how I opted to just numb out completely I

SPEAKER_00: 11:05

don't know if you are something that really helped me with my eating disorder recently in the past couple of years is just the facts like basically just like educating myself about it and like journal articles like science like research all of that because for For me personally, I can go back and forth in my own brain a million times and argue, but I actually thankfully have a good time arguing the actual facts. But I've read something probably many times in many different books, but where the cognition of someone who has an eating disorder, our brain scans are very similar to someone who is either an alcoholic or a drug addict. And I find that very interesting because like an eating disorder, not that the eating disorder itself is the addiction, but it's like the feeling after you engage in those behaviors that becomes addicting. And where it's like part of you knows this sucks, this is bad, I can't do it, shouldn't do it. but you still do because of that.

SPEAKER_02: 12:10

Right. A true addiction. I actually haven't heard that before, but I believe it. And I think that another major tool that I've used in my healing journey has been to do research on eating disorders. I think when I first started researching for my podcast episodes a couple of years back and just looking up the statistics behind eating disorders, it's like one in nine or one in 10 people in a room will have an eating disorder, which is just crazy. And I think The more that you equip yourself with facts on eating disorders, the more you realize they're not as taboo as you might think they are and that you actually really aren't alone. This is impacting a lot more people than you think. And with that, I think comes growing knowledge. Like knowledge is power. The more that you know about your eating disorder or if someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, the more you can then take action with that knowledge. You know, like it's not some taboo disease that we don't know how to treat at this point. Like everyone feels different and maybe someone who feels very ashamed about their eating disorder and hasn't talked about it much, maybe they feel like they can't treat their eating disorder. But at this point, I truly believe that we've done enough research on eating disorders that we can at least start with treatment for everyone who's willing and able.

SPEAKER_00: 13:26

No, I agree. I don't think, I think it's a taboo topic in society, unfortunately, but I don't think it's, like you said, a taboo, like it's not new.

SPEAKER_02: 13:36

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 13:37

Eating disorders, no matter which one, how you describe it they're not new they're not they didn't just come out of nowhere they're they were here forever just like everything else in the world but for some reason society is and I hate the fact of blaming society or even like mentioning society because that's something that we're never really going to be able to fix unfortunately but it is also the truth where for me and my perspective is I would say that for me society never caused it but But I would say it reinforces it where like, oh, I'm not, nothing is wrong because this is on the internet. This is everywhere. This is life.

SPEAKER_02: 14:20

Exactly. And with the boom of social media, I mean, it makes it so much worse and harder to question and what the best step forward is, I guess. Fortunately, on the flip side, it's like now we have accounts like yours who we can follow and you're posting about recovery all the time too. So I think it's It's, you know, there's a good and evil to social media.

SPEAKER_00: 14:43

There is. So you mentioned that over the 16 years, it ebbed and flowed a lot. There were periods of time where it took up your life, but then there were also periods of time where you pretty much thought that it was gone and that you were recovered. So... As that shifted, like the symptoms or the thoughts, I guess, how did your, did you notice that your relationship with your body, with food and all that shifted as well? Or do you think other things in your life are going on that were kind of more pertinent, if that makes sense?

SPEAKER_02: 15:16

I think maybe at first when I was younger, it was more about wanting to just shrink myself. Like it was exciting to see that number on the scale being controlled. But I think over time, I think food, anything about food and the behaviors that I had with it just became a way to manage these overwhelming emotions that I think were just so pent up in me that I was not actually feeling I was just pushing way deep down so that was how I coped so like my relationship with my body I think as I got older before I started healing just became increasingly disconnected I mean like college sleeping around like all of the things just not respecting myself like it was It was a whole thing. And I think I'm not ashamed to admit that now. I'm a happily married woman, right? But like, I think that I didn't have any sort of respect towards myself and my body. And then it wasn't until I started becoming my own friend, like I'm saying that I actually started making decisions to treat myself like a friend and get out of relationships that weren't serving me maybe and just make decisions to actually treat myself really kindly. And I'm really happy about that. happy that I'm doing that now

SPEAKER_00: 16:31

yeah it's a huge shift once you realize that and actually start acting on it it's like a whole new world literally that you'll so eating disorders in general are very controlling very rigid very structure very belief and rule oriented so did you have any rule rules that you had to follow because you're eating disorder or things that you look back on now and you were like I can't even believe that I thought that or believe that was true

SPEAKER_02: 17:01

you know when I've been studying eating disorders now and I think people might have a lot of like food rules like I can't eat carbs more than once a day maybe something like that just using an example I didn't really have that because I lost control with food so much so it was like what what food can I get and what can I binge on I think really what what my brain did is is that I would have these snowball moments where it like a light switch went on or off where I would either be in the middle of eating or maybe it was before I was about to eat and I couldn't then stop myself from thinking I have to binge I have to binge and I knew at the end of that there would there would be a purge and I it that was just how I described it so I think I think it's common for people with bulimia I'm not sure about about you but I would be curious like to just have these snowball thoughts where I just couldn't turn it off I was moving too And as soon as I got the thought in my head that I needed to binge, then I had to. Like, there was nothing that could stop me. And it was very, very tunnel visioned. And then, you know, that went on for a really long time. And it really wasn't until I learned your thoughts aren't real and what that actually meant and that you can change your thoughts. Because the first time I heard that, I was seriously mind blown by that. And it took a long time to really understand the neuroscience behind that. But when I learned how to do that, and when I learned, you know, with meditation, to really quiet my thoughts. I was finally able to stop the snowball, but that's really how my brain worked when the eating disorder was really rough.

SPEAKER_00: 18:38

Yeah, I can relate to that. But I mean, it was related to my eating disorder, but my snowball would be with my exercise.

SPEAKER_02: 18:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 18:48

So same thing, I guess, just like a different vehicle.

SPEAKER_02: 18:51

Yeah, right. Exactly. A different like crutch. That's interesting.

SPEAKER_00: 18:54

Yeah. So you started when you were a teen? Right. So you were living at home when it first started. So how... I know I was very secretive. What was that like for you, living at home and having this going on?

SPEAKER_02: 19:11

So, I mean... Eating disorders are very secretive for sure. There's only so much you can do with hiding a binge and purge episode, right? I think at some point, someone that you live with is going to figure out that something is going on. I lived with my two parents and my little sister, and my sister was the one that probably heard. She definitely was the one that heard and told my mom at first, and I think she felt conflicted maybe in telling my mom because she didn't want to rat on her big sister but also knew that deep down you know this is this is not good so I'm super proud of her for going to my mom and ultimately from there my parents sent me to therapy this was this is early 2000s right so I mean that was kind of what you were doing at that point like I think therapy sending your kids to therapy not everyone was doing it at that point but they didn't really have tools or know what else to do so they sent me to a therapist a nutritionist and I wasn't ready to talk about it at all so I convinced these people that I was just fine and my therapist also believed that I was just fine so told my parents I was just fine and they believed me too and and then it went on and it was really like that for for a long time so you know I lived with with roommates and I had an eating disorder when I had roommates and I I think that everyone kind of knows especially when it's happening but it's so awkward and still that tabooness to even bring it up so you don't really bring it up unless you have moments of vulnerability and even then I think it's really rare so I think all of that to say though like going back to what we were saying about eating disorders are very secretive I think what I've learned about eating disorders is that they literally thrive in secrecy like they get bigger they feed off of you keeping them a secret so the more that you can actually vocalize them maybe Maybe you can't vocalize it, but maybe write it down. Get it out. Don't just let it sit in there. The more your eating disorder voice is going to get smaller and smaller.

SPEAKER_00: 21:23

Yeah, that was something that I learned really probably. I mean, I guess as you did to learn pretty late in the recovery part. But there were times that I would I would be writing things in my hands because I didn't have a paper and I had my phone on me. But I was like, I just need to get this out of my head first. And it's so, and it sounds like such a generic cliche thing to say, like, oh, just journal or write it down. But it's so powerful. Even if you just say it out loud and nobody's there, even that goes a long way. And I did. Big shift.

SPEAKER_02: 22:05

Sorry. It makes you, in my opinion, I think journaling or saying it out loud makes you organize your thoughts a little bit better. That's, I think, why I love journaling so much is that maybe even if it is just saying it out loud, at least it's not just sitting there in your void, right? Like you can actually like, if you put a voice to it, I think the more sense it starts to make. And I think you can then start putting those little pieces together and start being a little bit nicer to yourself. Like, okay, it does make sense as to why I'm doing the thing. that I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00: 22:36

Yeah. It's actually funny because I'm, like I say all the time to people or they're like, what helps or things like that. And I say journaling. And I guess now I think about it, like I don't even journal because, and I'll tell you why, I'm very perfectionistic. So like if I journal and my handwriting gets messy, I have to like rip out the page and start over. So it literally wasn't productive for me. So I literally just voice record like that is how I journal and then there are so many times that I would do that and then I would like play it back not always right then and there but at some point I would like play my recordings back and I would be like just I don't even know what the word is I don't know baffled at like some of the thoughts I was having

SPEAKER_02: 23:25

ooh I really like that and I haven't done that as much I found that like with listening back in podcasts though I find a lot of nuggets of wisdom are you a big like voice memo note giver to your friends

SPEAKER_00: 23:39

no I have one friend who I do do that with but not all of my friends but there are times that even if it's not a voice memo like I am speech yeah speech to text but yeah my journaling is audio recording

SPEAKER_02: 23:54

yeah I like I like hearing about how like people are processing I think that's a really valuable tool that I haven't really talked about yet so the more you know I think it's just very interesting

SPEAKER_00: 24:02

yeah So you said your sister heard you and went to your parents, which I'm going to guess at the time you were pretty, pretty upset about that. But looking back now, you're able to like go sis, like that was huge. So after that, when you went to therapy, when you convinced everyone that you were okay, did you still continue to binge and purge at home? Or did you find it harder to hide it? Or did you just not even care because you just had to do it?

SPEAKER_02: 24:35

I don't think I cared. I definitely binged and purged at home. I think maybe I would find ways to get more secretive. And I mean, that's really the sickness of the disease. And it's sad to make me think about what measure that I would resort to when I was younger whether that's like you know at the whatever local job that I was working at maybe I would have to figure it out there or just somewhere else in public that wasn't home you know you did what it took and that is why I was really sick and

SPEAKER_01: 25:05

and

SPEAKER_02: 25:06

and I think yeah I was maybe mad at my sister gosh I wish I could remember it was 20 years ago now but but I think more so it was just maybe I'm faced with that and And I don't want to admit to it. And so I just remember like, deny, deny, deny. That was the whole MO of the eating disorder. Like, I'm fine. Just denying it until I couldn't deny it anymore.

SPEAKER_00: 25:28

Yeah, I hear that a lot. It's a lot of manipulation. It's a lot of secrecy. It's a lot of lying. It's a lot of isolation because you have to keep everything a secret. And then all of that snowballs.

SPEAKER_02: 25:43

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_00: 25:45

So you recovered now, if I can do math right, like three years? Yeah, I would say about three. I'm not a numbers person, but was there a moment like you personally without any, I guess, professional helping you or telling you, but any moment where you yourself internally felt like you hit rock bottom and then you were just like, I'm done, I need to get out of here?

SPEAKER_02: 26:11

I think I had so many rock bottoms, like so many that I had bad nights. It's sad to think about like just a really like formative, all the formative years of my life, having so many depressive and dark moments and not happy moments that, you know, maybe you would associate with high school and college just because there were so many moments that I was struggling because of food. And I think as an adult, I would still have the relapses from time to time. And that's when I started realizing like, I'm going to keep having these types of rock bottom moments unless I actually deal with the root causes of my issue. And so I think actually I remember during COVID is when I ended my last relationship and I was living alone and I finally started like journaling and meditating and doing all these things that I've been talking about. And I think that's really when I came home to myself and started doing these types of practices.

SPEAKER_00: 27:13

Yeah, usually when you're forced to be alone, physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it is like one when you have no choice but to face it.

SPEAKER_02: 27:22

Yeah, agreed. I actually think that was like one of the biggest gifts I've given to myself to like living alone in my girl pad. I look back very, very fondly on my girl pad days.

SPEAKER_00: 27:32

Yeah. So now I kind of already mentioned and you mentioned too that like you're in recovery, you're recovered. So what does that look like for you? I

SPEAKER_02: 27:42

think, okay, I actually consider myself, I call myself in recovery maintenance because-

SPEAKER_00: 27:50

I like that.

SPEAKER_02: 28:20

I was doing the work, you know, you hear all the time, recovery is not linear and that's what happened. And I always have to give myself grace because even now, I mean, it's not like every day I wake up and think I have the perfect body and I have the best relationship with food ever, but I do feel a hundred percent safe in my body now. And that's something that I never would have been able to say. So I think, you know, I consider myself, Yeah, in recovery, maintenance, and just continuing to do the work.

SPEAKER_00: 28:54

I always get nervous to be like, where are you in recovery? Are you recovered? Because I feel like a lot of people use or look at it differently, like what recovery is to them or what being recovered is. So I guess I should have asked you this first. What is recovery or do you not believe in being recovered, but what are your thoughts about all of that, just recovery in general? I

SPEAKER_02: 29:18

actually follow a coach on Instagram who put words to this pretty recently because I know that there's debate with even doctors and physicians about like, can you be fully recovered truly once you have an eating disorder? And the coach, her name's Merit Elizabeth. She's been on my podcast.

SPEAKER_00: 29:39

Okay. So you, you were, that's when you said that I was like, is she talking about Merit?

SPEAKER_02: 29:44

Okay. Amazing. So yeah, Merit posted that, you know, she does believe in full recovering mirror also posts a lot about neuroscience behind eating disorders and I think that's why she's a great follow because I do actually think you can rewire your brain in a way that you can be fully recovered and I also know on the flip side I've heard in support groups and I know from my own personal experience like people believe they will never they genuinely believe from the bottom of their hearts that they'll never be able to recover But I'm here to back Merritt and say that I do believe that, you know, you can fully recover. You can change your brain. Like I've seen myself change, change my brain and change my thoughts. And, and I think, I think full recovery is possible, not without the work and not without, it's not going to be linear. I've highly doubt it's going to be linear. And I highly doubt it's going to take, you know, one month for you to recover. It takes inner work and it takes dealing with shit. that you don't want to deal with and I swear because I know that you give a profanity like warning on your

SPEAKER_00: 30:55

podcast

SPEAKER_02: 30:58

but yeah I think full recovery is definitely possible

SPEAKER_00: 31:01

yeah I agree I think I and I could this is just my personal belief and I don't I want to even I don't even say that this would apply to everybody but I say it because it applies to me I think recovery is only possible if you are truly wanting it because for me there were for years I would say oh yeah I want to recover oh I don't want my eating disorder anymore but I would still I was like half-assing it I guess

SPEAKER_01: 31:28

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 31:28

and part of that was just my immaturity I didn't really take it as seriously as I should have but the other part of me like I'm sure you probably felt this way at some points like you don't want to give it up but then recovery is possible if you do the work but you also have to essentially like want it to be rid of it bad enough to do that work and the work is hard it's my biggest problem is I I struggle to continue to do the work when I'm feeling good that was always my problem is I would I was always motivated to do the work I would always do the work then like a month or so would go by and I'm like yeah like I I'm feeling good and then I would slowly like just follow up the wagon of doing the work

SPEAKER_02: 32:13

right yeah I I think I I always say I've got the tools in my tool belt and it's like I literally have to keep up with my routines even if I am feeling good too or if I'm feeling you know not away about my body it's like you still have to check in with yourself and even if you don't think that those little practices I don't know I heard this once it's like if you brush your teeth every single day and it might take you like 20 seconds to brush your teeth or something but what if you don't brush your teeth for like two weeks and then you only do a little bit in between right it's like it's gonna have a big impact so it's like just carving a out a little bit of time every single day to do your practices. It's just a part of maintaining your health, whether that's physical or mental.

SPEAKER_00: 32:58

Yeah, absolutely. So the next question I'm going to ask, and I'm sure that you have a million and one answers because I know that I have a million and one answers if someone were to ask me this, but if there is something that one thing that you could tell someone about eating disorders, what would it be?

SPEAKER_02: 33:17

Yes, there are a million and one thing. I wish that people knew that eating disorders aren't just about vanity or wanting to become smaller about food. Eating disorders most of the time are about masking pain and trauma. And you can't just snap out of your eating disorder. You can't expect your loved one when they're suffering to just get better overnight or with a conversation or with seeing a therapist once or twice. Thank you. But like we're saying just now, I also wish that more people knew and believed that recovery is real and recovery is possible. And it takes the time and it just takes not just the dedication, like you're saying, and really wanting it, but it takes being 100% honest with yourself. And I know I keep saying I ended a relationship that wasn't right for me, but I think one of the things that was holding me back from full recovery later on in my 20s is that I was in a relationship with someone who I knew deep down in my gut wasn't the right person for me but he was a very kind person and he helped me with my eating disorder he he like paid for my therapy and I had a lot of guilt behind staying in a relationship that I knew long term wasn't serving for me I just knew in my gut wasn't serving me but but I still felt like I was indebted to him so I think it really took confronting a hundred percent of myself and and doing the really hard things to actually get to a point where I could take full control.

SPEAKER_00: 34:54

Yeah, and that's hard because, like you said, you wish more people knew that it wasn't about vanity or food and all of that. Another way that an eating disorder manifests, at least it did for me, is that you put other people's needs first. So in the situation that you just described, you're like, I love this person as a person. They're great, but they're just not the person for me, but I don't want to hurt that person, so I'll suffer.

SPEAKER_02: 35:18

Exactly. Oh my gosh, that you really did put it into words. Yeah. When you're struggling with an eating disorder, you're absolutely not thinking about serving your own needs.

SPEAKER_00: 35:28

No, it's a lot of, like I've heard in society, like no one has specifically said this to me, but just in society, I've seen things where people say like eating disorders are selfish. And it's actually the opposite where eating disorders are actually, I'm going to argue that they're selfless because you spend a lot of your time protecting other people. hiding you're hiding yourself from other people so that for me anyway like I wasn't burdening my family or I was putting my friends needs or my relationship needs or even something stupid at work oh yeah 100% you were just constantly putting other people's needs before yours so I'm gonna argue that that's like selfless in a way

SPEAKER_02: 36:09

thank you for saying that and I mean I agree I genuinely wish nobody had eating disorders but but I do agree that sometimes At the end of the day, I do thank my eating disorder for the purpose it served in that time in my life. It did serve a purpose.

SPEAKER_00: 36:27

Absolutely. And that just actually reminded me of something I just posted on Instagram. So I'm going to ask you this question. So you just said that your eating disorder was serving a purpose for you. Do you think there's any lessons that you learned from your eating disorder or anything it taught you that you are more aware of now?

SPEAKER_02: 36:47

I think, I mean, the biggest thing is that I'm very, I realize now when I'm using something to numb something that I don't want to feel. So for so long, I used an eating disorder to not feel uncomfortable feelings. Maybe when I wasn't using the eating disorder, I was using alcohol or I was using scrolling on my phone or something like that. I think it's all sort of the same behaviors. I think that But ultimately, at the end of the day, in order to heal, you have to stop numbing and you have to actually face those big emotions. And I don't want to sound like a broken record here because I know I keep saying, you know, you have to face the big emotions, but that really is how you kind of get to the root cause of you.

SPEAKER_00: 37:34

Yeah, I agree with that because that I also use my eating disorder as like a numbing or like a coping mechanism. And within the past year, I haven't been engaging in behavior. So I'm feeling all my emotions. And I don't know if this happened to you, but my emotions are so intense. Like the good emotions, it's like the happiness is like the happiest ever, but like the negative or like the most negative ever. And I think it's like exacerbated because I'm like, I haven't allowed myself to feel this. And I don't even know how long did that happen to you where you felt your emotions were just insanely like just loud and like.

SPEAKER_02: 38:16

Okay. yes

SPEAKER_00: 38:18

I thought I was going nuts I'm like am I pregnant I shouldn't be feeling like so intensely right now

SPEAKER_02: 38:24

oh actually that's a really good point and now that you say yes definitely and it is because you know you're suppressing for so long and I don't know even when I am like really down bad and sad and dealing with grief or whatever is going on in my life it's almost like okay it's a good thing to be feeling these emotions like this is very human to feel these emotions

SPEAKER_00: 38:48

yeah and it did subside it did kind of like they're back to normal now but for a while there I was I'm like oh how do people do this so if you can look back I'm gonna say to your younger self like when you were living at home and around the time that your sister heard you and whatnot knowing what you know now having experienced what you've experienced what would you tell yourself back then

SPEAKER_02: 39:17

I would tell her that you are not broken. I would say that it makes sense that you are doing what you are doing based on every single event that's happened that led up to today. I would tell her that you are going to find yourself and you're going to become your own friend and your friendship with yourself is going to get you out of this. And just to give yourself grace and to have hope. And yeah, I think another tool is the inner child work and just going back and talking to that little you. I think when you heal her, it heals the older you as well.

SPEAKER_00: 39:55

Yeah, I agree with that. I agree. So... to leave our listeners with... Actually, I'm going to ask you two things. One of these isn't on the questions that I gave you, but I'm sure it'll be fine. If anyone here is listening to this episode and they have struggled or are struggling, is there anything that you would want to say to someone who you knew was struggling with an eating disorder? What would you just want to tell them?

SPEAKER_02: 40:25

I would say, don't wait as long as I did to ask for help. I went on for so long thinking that I could do this by myself and that my life was normal and I could solve it and I didn't have the tools that I have now I wish that I had gotten help and and seeked support and learned about different tools that doesn't mean I was cured overnight like I'm saying it took me a long time but in retrospect I think if I had the tools that I have now today I could have healed a lot sooner than in 16 years so I would just say the time to get help is now

SPEAKER_00: 41:00

yeah yeah don't wait and And every conversation that I've had, and I'm sure you too, it's in one way or another, recovery takes a long time. The work takes a long time, which can seem pretty daunting to someone who is pretty entrenched and taken over by their eating disorder. But I will say from personal experiences like that, it takes time, but it also doesn't even feel like that because you learn so much about yourself. You learn so much about your eating disorder that, yes, if you look at the actual time, yes, it's probably a long time. But when you're in it, it doesn't feel like that at all.

SPEAKER_02: 41:43

No, it doesn't. It really doesn't. It really doesn't. And so I'm glad you and I can both attest to that.

SPEAKER_00: 41:47

Yeah. Because I remember when I was still, before I was recovered, that was like something that like I would see everywhere. And I'm just like, it takes how long? Yeah, right. Like no way. But it's worth it. So your podcast, you have a podcast as well, Eating Disorder Diaries, which I've listened to every episode and I love it all. So you are on season two now, right?

SPEAKER_02: 42:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 42:42

This

SPEAKER_02: 42:44

season is all about setting goals and it's about setting goals because I love to set goals. I'm a goal setter and I think that the way that I was able to have journaling and therapy, not therapy, journaling and meditating stick in my life as I set a goal to do it every day for a month and after that month, both were just complete tools in my life. So every single month we're setting a new goal, whether that's like establishing a meditation habit or, you know, establishing a better relationship with journaling. I'm trying to think of what else has been on there. There's been like daily eating disorder education, creating vision boards. There's a new one each month. Just a quick shout out. Kate is going to come on my podcast pretty soon. So stay tuned for our episode. I don't want to give the goal away, but it's going to be.

SPEAKER_00: 43:33

I have to make a goal. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 43:38

don't worry about it. I know you'll come up with something good.

SPEAKER_00: 43:41

Awesome. I can't wait. I have a question. It's actually a personal question. What do you, I struggle with meditation. I can't do it. For like, I'm like, I can't do it. And I know that that just means that I need to do it.

SPEAKER_01: 43:57

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 43:57

What do you like, do you have any advice? Like what, how do you do it?

SPEAKER_02: 44:02

I use guided meditation. So I use the channel Great Meditation on YouTube just because I like the speaker's voice. It's very calm. for the most part if it's a female speaker. And I love them because I do them usually first thing in the morning, but you can find some nighttime ones too. And a lot of them are centered around inhaling like positivity. So it's almost like visualization meditations. So I know some people think of meditations as like being like super quiet and just silencing your mind. Those aren't the types of meditations that I do. Now I need someone to be like talking to me and visualizing during it. So I think it's always like When I get in the habit of just waking up and going straight to YouTube and the first thing I'm doing is just listening to 10 minutes of a meditation, even if I'm laying down, it like really sets the tone for my day, especially because, you know, I don't necessarily know the full science behind it. But when you're first waking up, you know, and that's the first thing that you're consuming in a day, it just sets you off on a positive note for the day.

SPEAKER_00: 45:06

Yeah, no, I have seen that. I don't know, on social media, on the internet in general, that like it's like the best time is to do it like before you do anything else in the day

SPEAKER_02: 45:15

yeah I'm gonna try that yeah I would love it for you too all

SPEAKER_00: 45:20

right well it was a pleasure talking with you and I'll see you next time for your podcast

SPEAKER_02: 45:27

okay thank you so much I can't wait for the next bite by bite episode

SPEAKER_00: 45:31

thank you thank you so much for joining me for this episode of bite by bite I'm so grateful to be able to share this space with you and I hope today's conversation brought you some insight comfort, or maybe even a sense of community. Remember, no matter what you're healing from, healing isn't perfect and every step you take does matter. If you enjoyed this episode, consider sharing it with someone who might need it, leaving a review or subscribing on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode. And if you want to connect more, you can find me on Instagram at Bite by Bite Recovery. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Your stories are just to say Until next time, let's keep taking life by bite. See you later.